This continues to be quite the trip.

Last week I had my last EMDR session – for now. I sensed the need to step back and integrate what had just unfolded over the first few sessions. What bought me to this in the first place was the desire to get past an underlying place of rage and despair that I had hit again and again when I was pushing my edge. When this has hit; when I got triggered it had me feeling fucking rage, desparate, alone and trapped. Really old feelings. Feelings that did not belong to me. Not anymore. From some part of me exiled for a very long time.

see working with fire

My interpretation; the part of me that had been locked up until I started the EMDR work was very alone. I had tried to engage with this young version of myself many times and when I got close there was the deep anger that came up. A part of my psyche that really did not want to let me in. It pushed me away – gave me messages that I was being a two-faced shit that did not care. The harder I pushed the higher the rage and despair showed up. In this most recent episode this got more than a little uncomfortable. It was time to do something else.

Hence EMDR. A few more intuitive hits led the way.

The last session left me feeling subtly triggered. Some trip-wire had been hit in the present that I did not understand. Me writing this is my attempt to get clear on it and own it. I think I have it. It is actually rage. It is fully owning my own edge and boundaries. The message of anger/rage.

I got the hint around rage in a conversation with a friend yesterday morning. Then I got a couple of hits that directed me to Louise Hay whilst I was in bed with Flu (aside; Flu: Response to mass negativity and beliefs.Fear. – ‘You can heal your life’). The message of this book is really simple; the world is your beliefs made manifest.

My inner ‘rage’ has been spending its time defending the inner young version of me. That is no longer its job. It is out of work there; me and my inner youngster seem to be really getting on amazingly well and learning from each other. Its protector is no longer in a job. There is a whole deep vein of powerful energy that is now available. It is fiery. It is red. It has purpose.

How this links with ‘beliefs made manifest’. When I attempted to shift my range of possibility in the past when right up against my edge I came up against the protective trapped rage and stopped. My intended new model of the world met a powerful ‘yeah, right! – Fuck you!’ and got stuck. Things got stuck. I got stuck.

So yesterday after this shift of the last 3 weeks I came to this place again and started playing in the space of fundamental beliefs that had felt stuck. They moved. They FUCKING MOVED! It is practice – but now it has the sense of moving from one track to another in my mind; not pushing against an immovable mountain through the howling winds of mordor…

I am picking up this thread and tugging. Something new is unfolding. Rage/anger to define boundaries; get clear on what I am saying HELL YES and NO to, and taking the stuff I am up to right now, all the big games I am playing – not accepting ‘Impossible’ and figuring out how to WIN.

And I am getting over this monumentally sucky Flu.