“If another self-help guru post shows up which says ‘just do these 5 things and be like me and all will be wonderful and smelling of roses!’ (oh by the way come to my seminar and buy my program) I will either hit something hard or puke – maybe both.” (me, last week).

I wrote this piece (Weight) today – it floated into my awareness to remind me of what I am up to – why this all does actually make sense.

At 3am it didn’t. I had no fucking clue – I was just churning and suffering it. 3-4am is typically the time when that part of my mind that can keep a lid on rage is off duty. If I happen to wake up at that time, and there is stuff going on it can be a shit-show. And so it was this morning. The trick – I am learning – is catching it sooner.

It had been brewing for a few days; on friday morning I was ‘off’. An intense call with my coach had triggered something deep. That is why I work with her; a deeply compassionate soul who has gone through a lot of stuff and is supporting me in doing the same on my unique, individual path. This is part of the process; noticing stuff – calling it out, challenging what is under the hood of my personality and the way I am in the world. What is in the way of being all I am here to and wish to be.

I noticed that I was not fully present in my meetings on friday. Work on friday was productive but hard; this nagging ‘stuff’ kept coming up – begging for attention. All with the flavour of ‘this is wrong’.

Saturday; I was MC-ing for a kids lego robot wars event – an absolute riot – I gave it my all and had a good time; new crowd of people, new relationships. And it was draining. In retrospect saying ‘No’ to a friends poker invite on saturday night would have been wise. That should have been a big clue; saying ‘No’ in this space is hard – that is a dead giveaway. Boundaries getting leaky…

Sunday – got a run in with a friend (7km – not bad on the ice…). The afternoon I had 5 hours slated before my evening meditation group to get stuff done – including 3 deliverables for monday morning. It should have been easy to get this stuff done.

Then the first one took 4.5 hours to work out. Just technical glitches – supported by a good friend to work them out. Finally got the breakthrough – hard won. The great decision I made was to go to the meditation group anyway rather than muscle through as is my normal MO. I came back and got stuck back in and by 1:30am all three deliverables were done.

In a normal frame of mind this would be cause for celebration. Not this time. The demon of ‘unlovable, unworthy, not enough’ was wide awake and now I was tired it had the space to stretch out and take in the room – and I was too deep in to nip it in the bud. A glass of wine was the muted celebration and then a 9am alarm rather than my customary 6am.

Then 3am happened. After working with breathing and allowing and ‘sending in love’ to what was showing up – working to stay in my body – I pulled out all the stops – all the things I know to do to get me through this kind of shit-storm.

Umbrella in a hurricane.

It took four conversations with some wonderful friends today to ground me (deep gratitude; you all know who you are and you are all so dear to me…) And Yoga, and Meditation – and my mixed Martial Arts class this evening (just two of us – that was intense!). Driving in the snow also helped – focus! However it has been a ‘shaky’ day. I cancelled everything I could whilst I got through this.

The underlying deep ‘lie’ that got triggered is one I am pulling out by the roots. It is a tenacious one. Several times I thought I had got it all – but there was still some sliver left behind. Something I made up in the deep distant past when I was far too young to know any better that I have kept rehearsing ever since. I have had a hard time forgiving myself for doing so. That is my work now – forgiveness, and acceptance of everything that has happened in my life as a result of this belief. Owning it. Being finally and completely responsible for it.

Because what is on the far side of this is, I know, abundance. Everything I have ever wanted and everything I am here to do in the heartbeats and breaths I have remaining.

I believe this shows up now because I am pushing hard to create this new life, leave the old behind. The old ways that got me there just won’t do any more. My mind and body are kicking and screaming at the changes. And I have now in this moment enough space to give myself the grace to accept what I am moving through and be with it.

Tomorrow is another day. And I can here the tiniest echo of that beautiful syllable chiming closer as the winds subside.

Never let anyone tell you that this stuff is ‘just 5 easy steps’. That is bullshit of the highest order. This takes work. The alternative is death-bed regret – and I am just not up for that. In the uncertain time I have left I am moving it – bringing the warrior and fighting for all of it. The only time that ever existed is now.

I used to think that experiencing this stuff was weakness. I am not so sure – however hitting ‘publish’ on this one is still going to be a bit tough. Here goes…