A few years ago now, I was contemplating my own sense of loss; my brother-in-law Ian, very suddenly from an aggressive cancer, my mother from a longer, slower struggle with lymphoma, the end of my marriage as the connection once shared and so vital had somehow shriveled and died. Moving through these losses and all the emotions that stirred, I realized that each one had changed me – quite profoundly.

A coach I greatly admire dropped into a group conversation this wildly fierce gem, that has stuck with me for a decade and still is working at me:

“Heartbreak exists in the gap between Love and our understanding of it…”

(overheard; J J-L).

I think heartbreak and grief are closely related. One; the loss of an imagined connection, an expectation for a reciprocation of feelings. The other; the experience of such a connection of the heart being severed.

I left home for University in the autumn of 1986. After about two weeks in this new alien environment, I met someone and my heart opened. I had been wanting to be in relationship for a long time and was wondering what the hell was wrong with me that I could never somehow encounter someone with who I could experience that level of connection that I knew was possible. I had just left home and moved 160 miles north. All of the old ways of being I had been used to had dropped away as I learned to discover who I was, independent from family. It was a lot to take in. In the first week I had a series of debilitating migraines as my new reality started to break up my old expectations. (I have always associated migraine with some inner, deep confusion working itself out. Fortunately I do not suffer from any like that anymore). I digress…

I met this particular someone again several times over the next few days. My heart felt like it was about to leap out of my chest. And then, quickly, it all came crashing down. We talked and she told me she was not ready for a relationship right now. She let me down gently, but the weight of my frustrated hope crushed me. The brittle expectation that my youthful inexperience had created in me hit a wall and splintered into sharp shards. For weeks I was in mourning for the loss of something that never really existed. I woke up with a heart-ache. I wrote about it in my diary. I shared about it, carefully with some new friends who gave me the gift of their listening. And then, one morning I noticed the ache had shifted. And then I noticed that my mind started to try to get back into that ache, that state of loss. It had become a comfort-zone of sorts and part of me did not want to let it go. I think I wanted for it to ‘mean’ something, and so my suffering was a way of keeping that meaning alive. It took me a while to process. I moved on and about a year later a beautiful relationship unfolded for me and I got to learn a whole bunch more about love, and heartbreak. Strangely, that process does not seem to have an end.

Which brings me back to what I wanted to write. In talking with a group of other Coaches a few years ago a thought came to mind which I think is useful; that ‘Living is Grieving’.

Every moment is a loss. The last moment is gone and cannot be retrieved. Something must be let go of to allow the experience of a new moment to emerge. Holding onto the past interrupts the flow, separates us from the experience of living into our next breath, the next unfolding of ourselves. Grieving is the process by which we personally change and evolve. Most of the time this process goes by unnoticed. Occasionally there is a strong attachment that gets strained or cut, and this process breaks through the barrier from unconscious competence into overwhelming present experience. That attachment; our imperfect (how could it be otherwise?) conception of Love takes us to a place of deep introspection; the alchemy of our inner world of feelings beyond any rationality. The world where all evolution and change happens. It is messy. It can take a lot of kleenex when it hits the surface…

And, after a while, with support and kindness to allow the magic of grief to flow, I emerge. Changed. In ways I cannot explain – but my world and perceptions have shifted.

In the case of the loss of my Mother – there was so much processing to do. About two years after she died I finally came to a place of understanding that she, in her imperfect way (how could it be otherwise?) was expressing Love to the best of her ability, through her own lenses formed by loss and trauma, unhealed wounds and the strength she had found to move through the demands of raising a family and working to support them. It hit me quite suddenly; and all my old sense of loss and victimhood to how she had been towards me and my siblings came into a new place of understanding. In the place of that separation there was now compassion, love, understanding – and a new source of personal strength where I could call on the unstoppable spirit she had shown in life to help guide me forward.

My understanding of Grief shifted through this experience into one of its generative nature. It has been said that ‘Grief is the price of Love’. Perhaps also, Grief is the gateway to the deeper gifts that Love has to bring. All there is to do is attend to it as it works its deep, messy and profound magic on and within us.

Resources (because grieving alone is hard):

1. People. Who can you talk to? All they need to do is listen. Ask for space. Grief often comes with a good dose of Anger attached. Having someone who can listen without judgment or directing you can be very powerful. Professional support from someone experienced in supporting people through grief may be useful.
2. Books. I highly recommend the profound works of Steven and Ondrea Levine. Their work with death and dying has given rise to some profound teachings on the nature of Love and Grief. In particular ‘Unattended Sorrow’ I highly recommend.

With Love; 22Feb23