Beliefs and patterns of behaviour are two sides of the same coin in this world as I see it. Belief inspires action, which makes the belief more real (after all, why would you do this thing if you did not believe it was the ‘right’ thing to do?) The two feed into and off of each other. Making a personal transformational change often involves uncovering and then dismantling both parts, to be replaced with a new model for being in the world. Abstract enough for you?

Until Coaching bought it into awareness, I had an unconscious belief playing out that if something were ‘off’ around me, it was because of something I was doing or not doing. I picked this model for life up early (age 3 or 4) and it carried on playing out for me for a long time. I was not aware of how this made me selectively sensitive to the ’emotional atmosphere’ I was in. I was heavily biased toward perceiving the negative, and so missed so many positives as this mechanism navigated me around imagined, submerged rocks. It made me both hyper-sensitive in some areas and almost numb or frozen in others. If only I knew at 18 what I know now… This belief/behaviour stayed with me for a long time. It left wreckage behind and kept my old ‘not-good-enough’ beliefs alive and well. These things tend to operate in packs…

What happens when a belief gets challenged? Either by life, or more persistently by an insightful and courageous Coach? If lucky, both? Perhaps even on purpose?

What I have experienced is that firstly I become aware of it. However it still seems to be very true and solid. Then I work with it and try out things not part of the old belief – and, amazingly, the world does not end and I have new experiences. The belief seems less true, but it is still a go-to. I stretch more. I practice in my newly discovered freedom. The old weakens its grip. With time and practice I act more and more from a place that these beliefs do not describe; my view of the world and my range expanded well beyond the old boundaries. I have grown.

Time passes. And then something occurs, and I notice the ghost.

The neural superhighways that constitute these beliefs and patterning remain long after they cease to be major roads. As they become paths less travelled, they become overgrown with new ways of being that no longer fit with the old. But occasionally something happens that makes me aware that the old is still there. I imagine it like a path through a dark forest – somewhere that long ago I used to know and frequent; that used to be my a large part of my world. Occasionally I travel along a path that is similar, and notice that there is the gap in the grass and that rock that used to be part of the old ‘me’. That path is still there, but no longer really matters. Just a memory of a place that I used to live, that used to be important.

Noticing these ghosts brings me to a sweet place. Of appreciation for what I have moved through. Of the genius of this human mind that had me find ways of surviving in a chaotic and meaningless world before the creation of these ways of perceiving and acting made sense of it. Of gratitude for those who have supported me as I have struggled to see outside of the world these beliefs and patterns have created into an ever larger reality. Of grief for the impact of these patterns on myself and those in the past who I loved and, sometimes lost; unable at the time to see beyond what I knew to be ‘true’.

The ghosts are old friends. They served me once. I thank them. I let them go. I breathe a little deeper and feel the weight of the old shift and slide off me.

I wrote a while ago – I think in my facebook profile – that I have no idea how deep this thing goes. I have breaths and heartbeats left; I strive to live from a meaning I have consciously chosen. It keeps me breaking with the old. There is more to discover and the knowledge that even the truths of my present will, in time themselves become ghosts.

A wistful blog today…

3May2023