It begins in Ireland – Eire.

Not chronologically. Not quite.

Early in 1998 I attended a retreat at Dzogchen Beara in West Cork – just outside Castletownbeare at a place called ‘Garranes’ with Sogyal Rinpoche. In my 20s I had, after the loan of Steven Levine’s ‘A Gradual Awakening’ from a friend got interested in meditation. There was no mindfulness tradition to call on in York, UK at the time that I knew of. This was brand new territory within my world. Roman Catholicism from my upbringing no longer held anything useful for me. Some great stories and inspiration; but the core of it – the direct pith experience of Spirit, Joy, Love. Nada. A finger pointing at the moon through layers of heavily tinted closed windows.

Several years of solo practice later I started to find the threads of Buddhist community through Yoga. When my first marriage exploded on contact with reality I needed an anchor. I found Dzogchen and specifically a connection with Dzogchen Beara and the work of Sogyal Rinpoche. It was not my first experience of a Buddhist retreat – that is for another story. The first one was wacky, immense and threw me off the scent for a few years…

I met my second wife on my first trip to Dzogchen Beara; she was there for the organic garden – not for meditation. I now have conjoured up three threads that I will not follow here. Not now. In time.

During a talk on my first retreat, Rinpoche had the room laughing with a phrase he introduced – suggesting that we be aware, mindful of the presence of ‘Half-baked Dharma’ in our lives. My interpretation (after asking him ‘how (the complete fucking hell) do you recognize half-baked Dharma?’) – it looks like truth – looks like the path – looks like a refuge – but lacks the qualities that make it so. The ingredients are there however they have not yet been bought together and produced the clear resonance of gut-wrenching vital truth. There is work to do to complete it. It is the finger pointing at the moon being mistaken for the moon.

At the time I heard these words I was deeply, head-over-heels in Love – and in retrospect the half-baked dharma was already present in that relationship. I had let it in – let my old habitual patterns begin a long, slow dance with those of my (now) ex-wife that inexorably led to the end of that relationship. We had more than a few wonderful and glorious times on the way. Whilst the old patterns and unclear beliefs were at work – Love was too. Both. All of it. Dreams were realized. Coming to Canada. Two beautiful kids. A career I fell in love with. Learning to fly. Home. Belonging. Immense friendships. And within this a relationship that did what it was meant to do – bring me to where I am right now. This breath. And this one. And this…

My ex-wife came to visit me in York in the autumn of 1997. I had just moved (the week before) from a barely furnished ‘minimalist’ existence in a friend’s house into an apartment on the bottom floor of a Victorian terrace in York. It was a great place; except perhaps for the mushrooms that grew in the bathroom – and the back yard that the local cats used as their own private litter-tray. I had my DPhil and a post-doc under my belt. I was tenured at York University. It all looked good. A dream had been realized – and now – now?

A dream image. The Dom in Utrecht. An old school room with fold-over desks; ancient ink-wells, overlooking the square. Old – in black and white. Behind the door stood a guitar that I recognized.

A few days later a friend and mentor, a dour – incredibly talented and funny Scot by the name of Norman (Jock) phoned me and asked if I wanted to buy his gigging Guitar. I still own it and it is one of my most treasured possessions. It sounds beautiful and remains a better instrument than I am player.

And then this very cute Dutch woman who I had met in Ireland came to visit – from Utrecht – and the lessons began in earnest. After a long walk through frozen fields down-river from the centre of York to see the stars, we opened. Over the next few days even deeper connection. Incredible Sex (yup – it deserves a capital letter). A month later she moved in after a brief agony of parting and a return to the longest kiss and embrace of my life. A year later we were married and a month after that we were in Victoria, BC – I had a job offer for more than I had ever earned before and we were getting ready to return to Europe so I could apply for my work visa – which ended up taking about an hour.

Magic works quickly when you get out of the way.

Our eldest was conceived a few days after returning to Canada on that work Visa.

I did mention the half-baked dharma right? Just checking.

The marriage died a long, slow death. What I did not have the tools, the insight, the wisdom to see was how I killed it. There was no single thing – no defining moment of ‘right, now I have fucked it up’ – just in a million ways I disconnected. I shied away from the hard conversations when they were needed. I made it ‘work’ and stopped short of making it ‘great’. I thought I was; the sugary taste of the half-baked dharma kept me playing for more by playing the same tune with more gusto until it exhausted me. I think the relationship would have still ‘played out’ and ended – however many roads not taken, many destinations not explored. Many words not spoken until their moment had passed.

In the process I learned the immense lessons of fatherhood, created career #3 (now building careers #4, #5 and possibly #6) and friendship in a way I had never even got close to before. And I also re-discovered the dharma that bought me out of that marriage to where I am now; where it is germinating into something new. I got ‘me’. I would say got ‘me’ back – however I think it is better to say it is the first time since I was about a year old that I think I have had ‘me’ so reliably in my life. Another thread for another blog for another time…

In that apartment in York was a conversation that never left me. I made the mistake of believing it – the mistake that someone else knew me more than I knew myself. It was a theme – see ‘half baked dharma’. The statement was ‘You will never be a meditation teacher’. Whatever the conversation was – that phrase sank into my subconscious and stayed there. I watered it with my occasional attention. It choked off the growth of my meditation practice and kept it small – tiny – under control. In my experience – mindfulness and meditation is not this tame little ‘peace’ as an adjunct to your life – it is a fucking Ninja with a flaming sword and a ruthlessness that will not stop. I did not allow it to grow, develop, flower and make a difference in my life, in my relationship – my marriage until it was way too late.

Lesson learned. The Ninja is back.

After we separated in 2013 I took my wedding band to a jeweller friend and had him use the gold to work into a Celtic tri-knot pendant that I have worn around my neck ever since – until last weekend. The meaning I imbued this beautifully crafted piece was ‘never to loose myself again’. For a Coach and mindfulness practitioner – a clearly negative message – however the best I had when I re-dedicated the material.

A month ago I started practicing martial arts again for the first time in 15 years (ok, thread number 5 for another time…) and I needed to take the neck-chain and pendant off regularly. Then it did not get put back on, and sat on my bedside table for a few days. Then last sunday after 4 days without I put it back on. Late afternoon I went down to the beach with my dog (Bodhi) and ran, laughed, danced, jumped and practiced headstands and hand-springs (also something I have not done for way too long) – generally looking like some kind of crazy person – expressing how I felt in the moment; complete, joyful – love – and kinda crazy.

Later in the evening I was getting ready to go swimming and took off my cardigan. I felt the chain around my neck; loose. Just draped across my shoulder. Clasp open. Pendant gone. I knew I had lost it. I went through the motions of looking, going with my eldest son with a torch to the beach to retrace my recent sandy steps and hand-prints. Nada.

And I think with that; Karma completed. Dharma finally baked.

Now what?

Note: ‘Dharma’