I would not be out on the edge

Leaning over

Looking beyond

Where my feet can hold me

I would be comfortable, wrapped up in my warm cloak of familiarity

Friends, the beautiful, the cozy – routine

I would not entertain stepping out into the cold

This bleak barren rock

Shouting so loudly that my voices distant echo

Is barely heard as my throat releases the rawness

In ordinary times I would be satisfied

With who I have been

And give up, for another day

Perhaps forever

On the man who gets to be everything…

In ordinary times

This has been a weird week. I think a lot of people are ‘off balance’. A conversation last friday threw me back on some really old internal ‘stuff’ that I created a very long time ago. A set of beliefs about who I am and what the world is and what is possible – hooked in early childhood memories. When these get triggered (this is really familiar territory) there is little possibility, space or love in the world. Thankfully I have an incredible group of people in my life who are willing to support me as I encounter this again.

And I want to be clear – this is not depression. I know enough about this space to know it is not even me. There is an old broken record program running that comes with its full kaleidoscope of strong body sensations, fucked-up sleep patterns, emotions and inner dialogues. And I know this intensity will be over soon if I just hold course. It is already shifting.

There is actually a choice. Whilst I crave the comfort of this stopping, ceasing, backing away from this edge – ‘resisting’ it and holding on to where I think ‘safety’ lies – I know what it is like when this actually stops. And I am going back there; probably beyond there. I don’t know how, but I am. I think when this happened before I just got the mildest taste…

New years’ eve 2015 I was in the thick a very similar ‘funk’ and, with support, I broke through to a place where this story was not operating. It happened in a moment and it was like the sky suddenly cleared and brilliant sunshine filled the world. It was blissful. For 3-4 weeks I was in such a space of joyful possibility that I know was infectious. Everyone got a taste.

Then the deeper heart was revealed and things became more ‘normal’ as the patterns below in my psyche were uncovered. Now I have created the circumstances (yeah, like I planned this…) that are pushing me up to the next layer of this breakthrough. With deeper comes younger – much younger. I had an internal conversation with a toddler version of myself this morning…

In the words of Tsoknyi Rinpoche – it is moving into a place of ‘Real, but not True’.

I am playing for his (my internal kiddo) and my unbridled joy, passion, creativity and power. I have so much more to give from that place than where I have been playing the game of life from until now.

I keep functioning and moving – I am good. Perhaps craving some more connection than normal. From the outside I think you would have to be pretty sensitive to pick up on any of this. I lead meetings. I coach. I get stuff done. I talk with friends. I make them laugh. I maybe send a few messages that land bizarrely…

And underneath I am getting ready for the shift of a lifetime.

It does not feel great right now.

It will… It will…