Play? No fear…
By Don / Date: July 5th, 2023
One of the things I internalized early on my path into adulthood was that things tend to become more significant as you grow older. The right career, studing, building a resume, finding a partner, buying a home…
Whilst I was doing all that I was very fortunate in my late teens and early 20s to discover the joy of musicianship and the world of folk clubs. A creative side of me that had no place in the rest of my ‘career’ had a place to grow and flourish.
And out of that same spirit (and music and folk clubs) came the space of relationship; where I was somewhere that I was open and with my guard down – that seems to be where I could actually open the doors to my heart-space wide enough to encounter another there… (putting aside for a moment that the importance of relationship can turn ‘serious’, which seems to lead to trouble…)
It seems that all of these ‘leaps’ in life occur in the space where the ‘seriousness’ of life is not, at least at present, operating. In particular, the exhilaration of falling in love, where fear seems to melt away and possibility opens wide… At least for a time…
A distinction I have found useful to tease this apart is between ‘important’ and ‘serious’. I find it interesting that people ask if relationships are ‘serious’ (like an accident, or life-threatening illness perhaps) rather than ‘important’ (like – something I want to put time and energy into through choice).
There is, I think a strong relationship here with the concept of Play.
In play – especially when around young children – there is a sense of openness and possibility. Nothing has crystalized into hard, impenetrable meaning. The unbounded space of possibility is being actively explored. Especially with young children, ‘fear’ seems absent.
At some point, things get more ‘serious’. The element of ‘fear’ arises, drawing edges and boundaries through play. Play becomes more patterned and ritualized; games gain rules. The fearless exploration becomes channeled more narrowly. And so it seems it is with life; absolute freedom becomes more constrained and narrow as the dial on ‘fear’ gets turned up.
This is useful; we get to build bridges, sail around the world, create works of art and do meaningful work because we bring structure to the chaos of pure creation. However, there is a baby that can get thrown out with the bathwater. I need to keep reminding myself of this from time to time (hence, probably this blog).
Fear is an interesting concept. Our physiological reactions to fear can be exhilarating; horror movies are a thing. Fear can also be debilitating. But what is it? I conceptualize the experience of ‘fear’ as simply an encounter with the boundary at the edge our comfort-zones; what we know about and are familiar with. That part of infinite possibility that we have explored and built a map of. Our psychology is built around staying close to this map as that is where we can make sense of the world and navigate in a way that survival is most likely. And, we know the map is wrong in places, probably inconsistent and definitely incomplete. However none of our ancestors died through seeing a Sabre-tooth tiger that was not there…
Child’s play is fearless. Playing as an adult; well, if you are going to break through those walls into creative possibility you had better be ready for some sweaty palms… I have noticed for myself that where I play (out in front of people, on two wheels, in a decent wind with the sails up, supported by wings… and other more intimate spaces) all have that element of ‘fear’ built in. There is structure and training in some of these places to manage the landscape; however what happens can be very unpredictable. Play gives me access to where possibility lives.
I notice, as soon as something becomes ‘serious’ in my life, I clamp down on it and the life drains away. Unfortunately that pattern played out in two previous ‘important’ relationships when they became ‘marriages’. Unfortunately, this has been a very ‘serious’ word in my world.
The practice of letting things be less ‘serious’, less ‘significant’ is a lifelong practice.
And when fear arises, having the support of someone who ‘gets it’, to be with me as I fumble my way into the new light has proved invaluable.
And, being the one who supports others through this process is a joy, a privilege, an honour and unbelievably playful work.
There is another conversation involving AI learning, hallucination and Psychadelics which is related to this one. Tune in next week…
(C) Don Goodeve, 5Jul23
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“Play gives me access to where possibility lives.”
This sentence hit me in the face as being so true, Don…
As far as a relationship with another, falling in love, and staying in them for the long haul, all these things have come and gone.
Aren’t we constantly in a 360 degree environmental contact with relationships with things, circumstances and people?
I believe there is truth to this, and I am aging into the notion I will never be alone again with such awareness…