“What kind of cheese do you want on that?”

“Well, you know some kinds of cheese do not know where they are going. You know what I mean? It is like they kinda magicked into existence with no real purpose or drive – you know? If there were a way of measuring the ‘purpose’ of a cheese they would not register… Well, none of them. What I am really looking for a cheese that walks down dark alleys deliberately because it knows it is the meanest thing there. Spiders sense it coming and run from it”

“Havarti?”

“No. Havarti is a contrived cheese. It wears a flashy suit but has no balls; it pretends to excellence but when pushed it just turns into a name, with some colour and weird holes. It would not know how to defend itself. No. The cheese I am looking for is a ‘Fuck Yes!’ cheese. The kind that hits your mouth with the same focus and drive that it will use to floor the next person to threaten those it loves. A cheese that is a match for anything that the world can throw at it. ‘A cheese’s cheese'”

“So Swiss?”

“Nope. Not the ‘defensive line’ of cheeses. This needs to be a cheese on the attack – willing to take on life and take what it wants, everywhere. A cheese that is a monumental ‘fuck off!’ to blandness and a ‘oh my god YES! YES! bring it on!’ to the wild, richness and flow of life. A cheese that dances with abandon like there is no tomorrow – because with this cheese there is NO TOMORROW! There is only NOW and NOW is the moment in which the life of the soul explodes into existence!”

“I don’t think we have that kind of cheese Sir”

<pause>

“Pity”

“Tomatoes?”

“Okay – with tomatoes, lets get down to it. I want a tomato that goes beyond ‘love me’ into an eye-popping romance with you; the kind of tomato that is firm, alluring and promises great depths to be explored…”

[this might take a while]