“When you are tired of Paris, you are tired of life!” Samuel Johnson was misquoted as saying. He was actually talking about London. I digress except to say that I have been in a funk. Not so much tired of life as tired of where I have been emotionally/spiritually for a while. Long enough for me to notice (finally!) something is off and do something about it.

I have been sitting in this unacknowledged funk since before Christmas. I know I have a large capacity for being with weight and heaviness. For a large part of my life it has felt like the world has been uniformly heavy and depressing. I think for a long period of my adolescent and adult years I was in a low-level depression. This shifted for me dramatically a few years ago – however the muscles I developed for ‘tolerating shit’ are still alive and well. The positive side of this is that I can keep highly functional whilst this heaviness creeps in to my life. The negative side is it can take a long time before I realize that the bilge is getting full and it is time to deal with it…

I was talking with my Coach this morning around how I was experiencing my world. I had made a commitment to write in my blog weekly at the start of the year. I am behind. I tried to write yesterday and nothing was coming. I have been finding myself distracted over the last two weeks – getting stuff done, but ineffective. My partner yesterday reflected to me that I seemed to be spending more time in distraction than in the focused/productive space she has experienced me usually being in. I had not been able to put my finger on it. This morning with the support of my Coach, I did. Hence this blog post – and to be clear writing this is part of my practice of moving through it.

Acknowledgment Part I – I have been carrying a lot

I will not go into details, but there are a few people around me who have been working through their own processes of heaviness, resignation, stuck-ness, despair. I have a lot of capacity to be with this for others. I am glad I can provide support for them as they work through their stuff. The only thing is that the residue of their stuff, and my own unique contribution of yuk gets stuffed away as I do. Then it becomes this oily, dirty mess that seeps down into the depths of my being – taking up space and smelling bad. The bilge analogy (I am fixing up a sailing boat right now – I am familiar with dirty bilges). Unless I intentionally metabolize it, the level of this muck increases over time until it starts to take up too much space and invades my breathing room. There is nothing overtly wrong in this – it is just my pattern of tolerating the reduction of my being leaves me feeling constrained. It is time to do something about that; the first part being acknowledging to myself this is what I have been doing.

Acknowledgement Part II – I am pissed

As, dear reader, you probably know from this blog that a significant part of my life is in campaigning around the increasingly obvious and unbelievably urgent Climate and Biodiversity emergencies. There has not been a lot of (any??) good news in this space lately. Despite the weather here in BC and around the world issuing multiple wake-up calls it feels like few people in power are paying attention. What the f*** is it going to take?

I am angry with people. I am angry with our elected leaders. I am angry with the corporate system. I am angry with neoliberalism. I am angry that people do not get the implication of exponential functions. I am angry that we have known that shit and fan are coming into intimate contact for 40 years. I am angry that the response has been to ‘see how we can spin it’ and talk about sustainability whilst having absolutely no conception of what sustainability actually is.

I am angry that Indigenous children were ripped from their families across Canada to be put into residential schools and many died as Canada’s First Peoples inconveniently have a different relationship with this exceptional place, and got in the way of the corporate/colonial/exploitative system. I am angry that it has taken this long to be acknowledged in the mainstream. I am angry that I have not been more aware of this. I am angry that wisdom in mainstream thought appears to be in very short supply (in my judgment).

I have stuffed all of this away and tried to not feel it. The closet is over-stuffed and is overflowing. My energy has been going into trying to keep the closet door closed…

Acknowledgement Part III – I have despair, I am in grief

Fuck. Look at the world right now. If you are paying attention I do not know what else is an appropriate response. Sabre-rattling, dysfunctional social spaces, increasing polarization. The ongoing Covid-19 pandemic. Report after report on the state of the Biosphere, the Climate. Suppression of dissent of legitimate protest. Illness and ageing in my family. My hopes and fears for my Children and the future. It is part of the cost of being alive and aware I know – however it also needs care, attention, self-love…

Acknowledgement Part IV – Commitment

I am still breathing. What is there to do? Nothing I can do right now is going to magically make any of these external forces change. The only thing I have power over is how I relate to them.

Firstly – that the bilge is getting full and needs flushing and cleaning. Acknowledging it. Being kind to myself. Asking others for acknowledgment. Clearing clearing clearing…

Secondly – I have a punch-bag in the basement that has been lying in a corner. That needs to be hung and to be worked with. The problem is not anger – it is stuck anger. Kicking and punching the shit out of an inanimate object built for the purpose I know from past experience is going to help me move from resignation back to frustration. And from there I can put that released energy in the tank and use it.

Thirdly – grieving. It is a long time since I have had a good cry. Tears came this morning as I was talking with my Coach. I need to give them some more time and space. I do no know ‘how to’ do this one – I am going to practice trusting that I will find a way.

And lastly – the Commitment to find my fire again. Passion. I am here to make a fucking difference – and me spending my energy in operating over the top of my own unacknowledged, un-distinguished funk does not serve anyone. Least of all me.

Let’s go.

Don Goodeve – 21Jan2022